“I wish I could have a home birth but my partner won’t have it!
My ears perk up whenever I hear a woman say that she CANNOT… (fill in the blank) because her partner opposes it, is not on board or not comfortable with her wishes. In the case of a pregnant woman it often has to do with birthing out-of-hospital. She will say that she must have her partner’s support even if it means not having her dream birth.
I find “The Spousal Objection” fascinating.
When a woman knows herself and makes decisions from her deep knowing, her partner will support her. That support might not look the way either one expected. The people in our life respond to what they perceive energetically from us, not to our words. If we are apprehensive, they want to protect us. If we are empowered, we all grow from the experience regardless of the outcome.
By allowing a partner to make a life changing decision for us, we give our power away and postpone facing our true self. We also deprive ourselves and our partners from experiencing life in all its blissful, sometimes messy, unpredictable fullness.
It is important to address the birth partner’s feelings. Is this the partner’s apprehension OR the woman’s apprehension being reflected to her?
When a woman who knows herself she will not hide behind her partner’s apprehension; she’ll face them with compassion and determination. Life and birth are about personal responsibility. Whenever a woman gives her power away we all lose.
If you are facing “THE Spousal Objection” you might consider these four steps:
1. Ask yourself:
- Is this person/situation bringing something up for my own healing (e.g., codependency, using my voice, any form of abuse)?
- Do I have any fears about childbirth?
- What experiences have I had that influence how I view birth (e.g., cesarean, abortion, miscarriage, traumatic birth, traumatic childbirth, rape, sexual abuse)?
- How do I feel about my body’s ability to give birth?
- How do I feel about becoming a mother?
- Am I willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being pregnant, giving birth and becoming a parent?
- Am I willing to take full responsibility for my decisions?
2. Set aside time to talk with your birth partner about the upcoming birth:
- What are your partner’s expectations, fears and hopes for this birth?
- What are yours?
- How do you envision their support?
- How does your partner feel about seeing you in pain?
- If either of you have birthed before, take turns sharing your memory of past childbirth experiences. Childbirth can be an overwhelming and sometimes traumatic experience for a birth partner as well. If something did not go as expected, your partner might have strong feelings that need to be addressed.
3. Sit with your partner and make a list of all of their objections. No need to explain, just make a list.
4. In private, sit with this list and reflect on each item as if these were your own objections.
What did you discover?
Pregnancy, birth and parenting provide a unique opportunity for transformation, individually and as a couple. No one can meet a partner’s needs perfectly 100% of the time. Your partner might prefer not to participate in the labor as your main support. You might prefer to hire a labor support person to help during the birth or make other arrangements that honor and support YOUR Birth Wisdom.
We all bring ourselves to the birthing room; every person who is in the presence of a laboring woman needs to be there to support HER choices and contribute in a positive way to the laboring woman’s efforts.
When it is time to push your baby out of your body, the only person required to be present at your birth is YOU!
Dr. José Gorrín, an Obstetrician/Gynecologist from San Juan, Puerto Rico is my favorite example of The Spousal Objection. He shared his transformation with the Orgasmic Birth website.
“I have been an obstetrician/gynecologist in both private and academic practice since 1973. When I married Ana, also a physician, we talked about having a baby, but she insisted that she have a home birth; she was never going back to a hospital to have a baby. I was not sure about that, I had never been to a home birth.
When Ana was pregnant she presented me with tons of information, videos, scientific evidence, and testimonies from the midwife she chose for the birth. I was impressed with the strength of her resolve.
When Ana Sofía was born, my life changed forever.
I had never seen a natural birth in over 25 years in this field! I thought I had been practicing humanized obstetrics, but was I wrong! Ana Sofía is now 10, and in this decade I have reinvented myself. I am a birth activist, and dedicate my efforts to changing the system for reproductive health care in my country. I want my daughters, and all Puerto Rican women to give birth in a safe, humanized environment where having a baby will no longer be an act of violence against women.”
Clearing and releasing any energy trapped in your system will open the space needed for peaceful birth and conscious parenting. I offer Woman-to-Woman Mentoring services to help you navigate through these questions.
PS– If you can, don’t wait till you are pregnant to do this work!
Have you faced The Spousal Objection in any area of your relationship? Leave me a comment.
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We’re not pregnant, yet, but may decide to try for our 3rd baby at the end of this year. My first birth was difficult, pre eclampsia during pregnancy, which was severe at the end, meant I had a hospital birth, my second birth, the baby passed a lot of meconium, when my water’s broke they were very green, and my midwife was not comfortable with a home birth, with concerns that the baby was big (he was over 9lb) and possibly in distress, and the local policy is hospital birth, and monitoring of baby for 24 hours post delivery, although the birth itself was fine, no problems and he was fine, and suffered no ill effects or meconium aspiration. I’d love to be at home if we had a 3rd, and it would be possible because our NHS does facilitate midwife led home birth if baby and mother have no issues and there are no issues requiring hospital admission. However, because of our two experiences, my husband will not consider it. I totally understand why, he wants to be where we can have immediate and excellent medical care, beyond what a midwife can provide during a home birth, he doesn’t feel comfortable with the 30 minute transfer we’d need if we had an emergency, and he feels a home birth would be too high a risk. He was a wonderful birth partner during both births, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him, and he wants to be with me during my births. I don’t want anyone else with me, and I certainly wouldn’t want to labour and birth alone. I’d like a home birth, but I don’t think it would be fair to decide to do what I want, at the expense of what my husband feels comfortable with. It is also his child, after all. Whilst I’m doing the “work”, he is still important, and I honestly think it would damage our relationship if I said, “fine, I’m having a homebirth, I don’t need you”, which to me, essentially, is what your saying we should do? Am I wrong?
Hi Karen.
What I am saying is that a woman needs to know herself, her fears, her concerns and honor her deep knowing (whatever that might be) before she can address someone else’s concerns. That is step one in the process I am offering in this post. In the next two steps I address the partner’s concerns. Sometimes after unexpected things happens during childbirth both the woman and her partner are left traumatized by the experience. Sometimes the partner’s trauma is not as visible as the mother’s and the partner is left without a place to heal his/her shock or trauma. When we don’t have these conversations, the wounds stay in our hearts and show up in the most unpredictable ways. The stress caused by these unspoken issues affect the way we parent. Sometimes it is wise to get outside help to process the events.
I am also saying that birth is about deep transformation and personal responsibility. No one can give birth but the woman herself. It sounds like your husband was the birth partner you needed. It’s wonderful to have good support, yet babies come with support or without it. Women can actually give birth alone, some prefer not to. No right or wrong way, a personal choice.
In your case, preeclampsia is a very good reason to birth in a hospital. (on a side note, the Mayo Clinic says that there’s evidence that taking certain vitamins, such as vitamin D, may lower the risk of preeclampsia.) Taking excellent care of your boy-mind-spirit will give you a better chance of having a healthy pregnancy next time around. That part you have control over. Having meconium in one birth is not an indication that it’ll happen again. It sounds like your midwife made a good call and offered you what you needed. In both cases you and your husband did what you needed to do to take good care of you and your babies.
Although I know that home is the safest place for a healthy mom-baby, I did not write this post to convince anyone to birth in any one place. My intention is for birth partners to have a place to start an honest conversation. The right place for each woman to birth is where she feels safe. You might enjoy this birth story of a woman who faced her fears and her husband’s. She is a nurse and he is a doctor. Read the story here http://www.gregariouspeach.com/2012/03/29/a-story-of-healing-after-grief-a-homebirth-after-caesarean/
Watch the video here http://www.gregariouspeach.com/2012/04/06/madeleines-birth-a-hbac-video/
Blessings!
Evelyn